


Somewhere Between Not Enough and (a Touch) Too Much

by notaverse



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Asexual Character, M/M, Relationship Negotiation, kissing-repulsed asexual, sex-repulsed asexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-21 01:26:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11933442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notaverse/pseuds/notaverse
Summary: The problem is, Lu Han isn't 'everyone else'.Actually, there are two problems, and the other one is:Jongin has no idea what that means.





	Somewhere Between Not Enough and (a Touch) Too Much

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this fic early 2013, saddened by the lack of ace fic in EXO fandom. (Happily, that no longer seems to be the case.) I got sidetracked writing other things, and given how much the EXO "canon", as it were, has changed since I started, I don't feel that I can continue writing this. However, I'd reached a point in the story which worked as a happy ending of sorts, and figured I'd post what I had, if only to get it off my WIP list!

Telling people he's responsible for 'sexiness' in the group earns Jongin a range of reactions from 'appalled' (it doesn't take him long to realise he really shouldn't say such things to his relatives) to 'amused' (mostly from people who've laughed at him tripping over his own stage name). It's kind of embarrassing to say it, and as far as he's concerned, it's not the truth. It might be part of his job, but it's not him. Being sexy, Jongin thinks, is about making people want you, about overwhelming their senses until you're all they can think about. He understands that.

What he doesn't understand is what evokes that feeling in the first place, because he's never felt it himself.

In high school, there are girls who make no secret of the fact that they like him. Pretty girls, in their matching uniforms, with affection in their eyes and lips sticky with gloss they'd be happy to let him smear, if only he were interested. He feels sorry for them.

He feels sorrier for himself. His friends go on dates and tell him he's crazy to let so many chances slip through his fingers. Precious jewels falling through cracks in the earth; once they're lost, he can't get them back. He doesn't know how to say he doesn't want them in the first place, so he keeps them at arm's length - not mean, but brusque enough to deter casual interest, at least.

It's easier once he becomes a trainee. It's suicide for an idol to date and sorry, girls, he's got to get into practice, right? Besides, who's got the time?

He gives them all the answers they expect to hear, never once explaining that it's not the time he lacks, but the inclination. Dating is something that other people do. It happens in the movies, it happens on TV and in books, it happens in real life. All around him, but it never involves him. He lets himself be eaten alive by SM's training regime and tries not to think too much about what would happen if he did have the time, if he were merely an ordinary student waiting to fall into a normal life, with the prospect of a loving wife and the patter of tiny feet in his future. That's how it works, isn't it? For everyone else.

It's not that he can't appreciate beauty when he sees it - and given where he works, he sees a lot of it. He knows which of the girls look best without their make-up, and who has the prettiest smile. It's like looking at a photograph or a painting. Surface beauty is exactly that. Flat and untouchable, to be admired from a distance but never coveted. Jongin stares in awe at the many gorgeous seniors and never once wonders what it would be like to touch them, to feel warm skin against his own, to share breath where their lips meet.

When EXO debut and suddenly, Jongin actually has to talk in front of people, he's careful to have an answer ready when they ask him what his type is, which girls he likes. He's not lying, per se. He knows what he finds attractive in a person. What's missing from the question is whether or not he's attracted to the people he finds attractive - which, he suspects, is a no-brainer for everyone around him. His own answer would only lead to more questions, so he doesn't let it slip.

There's a period where he considers that he might be gay. Not being attracted to girls is usually a good sign of that, he thinks, and while it's not an ideal solution, it is, at least, something he can wrap his brain around.

The only problem is, the major criterion for being gay is being attracted to other men...and that's not working for him either.

It's probably for the best. The guys he works with are as gorgeous as the girls, and he's relieved not to be in that awkward romantic comedy cliché where he's hopelessly in love with his roommate. Not that Kyungsoo isn't attractive, because he is, but Jongin's glad to have a comfortable, easy friendship with him. He can collapse into bed at night and not lie awake, pining away for someone he can never have. Not Kyungsoo, not Sehun, not Chanyeol, not...Lu Han.

Well. Lu Han. That's where all of Jongin's theories about who he is and what he wants - or doesn't want - fall down. Lu Han's cute - though also handsome, and Jongin's admitted as much on stage, at their showcase, before an audience of excited fans who seem to get quite worked up by the thought of them together. More worked up than Jongin himself, who's torn between feeling intrigued and feeling horrified by the notion.

"You calling me 'cute' is not helping to convince our fans of my manliness," Lu Han says to him afterwards, when they're changing out of their showy costumes and trying to come to terms with the fact that yes, this is it, they've finally debuted. He sounds more exasperated than mad, presumably resigned to the fact that the agency will exploit his baby face for as long as they can. Sehun's got it just as bad.

"Sorry?" Jongin offers. "I didn't really know what to say, and your face was right there."

Lu Han leans forward until there's maybe an inch or two keeping their noses from colliding and says, "My face is _always_ here. And it's definitely not cute."

"Not when you're pulling faces like a three year old throwing a tantrum," Jongdae agrees as he walks past.

Jongin would disagree, but then, if Lu Han's face were always there, life would be extremely uncomfortable. He's happier looking at it from a more respectable distance, one where he can just be an observer, the same as he is with everyone else.

The problem is, Lu Han isn't 'everyone else'.

Actually, there are two problems, and the other one is: _Jongin has no idea what that means._

Lu Han's been in Korea more than long enough to embrace the concept of skinship, and sometimes Jongin appreciates that, that they can casually touch each other without it meaning anything. A supportive arm around the shoulders, someone to sleep on when he's walking in a daze through airports, an encouraging pat when he's unsure of himself. It's the same with all of them, to a lesser or greater degree. Jongin's the second youngest in EXO and now he has all these big brothers - not many of them actually bigger than him, though - to watch over him. Some of them, like Joonmyun, try to keep him out of mischief. Others, like Lu Han or Baekhyun, enjoy luring him into it.

"Would you relax?" Baekhyun says, gesturing to Chanyeol to hit the light switch. They can see fine by the glow of his laptop. "It's not like we asked you to spy on your sister or something."

Jongin rubs his nose, a little flustered by the way Baekhyun seems to be making a big deal of this. "What if someone walks in?"

"Then they can either join us or get out." Baekhyun clicks his way through folders until he finds the file he wants.

The only other member in the dorms right now is Joonmyun, who would probably have a heart attack, so Jongin hopes he doesn't walk in. With them all living practically on top of each other, privacy's at a premium - he's become accustomed to people walking in while he's in the shower - but this is... Actually, he has no idea what this is, because all Baekhyun had said was that his brother had given him some movies and told him not to watch them when their managers were around, which means they're definitely not supposed to be watching them.

Which would be okay, except he's about to watch them with Baekhyun and Chanyeol, of all people, and that means if this file turns out to be some super-scary horror movie with lots of sudden loud noises that make him jump, he's never living it down. Maybe no one will notice him flinch in the dark.

"You have any idea what this is?" Jongin asks, peering over Baekhyun's shoulder. The file is simply labelled '1.avi', which doesn't tell him anything.

"Something you're probably too young to watch?" Baekhyun says with a shrug.

Chanyeol pats Jongin's shoulder, making him stiffen at the unexpected contact. Jongin's better at dealing with the random touches of his bandmates now, but he still gets caught off-guard sometimes and it's difficult to keep from brushing them off or sidling away when every time, he's hit by a confusing mixture of _that feels good_ and _what does it mean when people touch me?_

In this particular instance, the meaning turns out to be _get your head out of the way because I can't see_ , which Jongin finds simple enough to deal with. Chanyeol's not so much taller than him that he can see over the top of his head. It's cosy around Baekhyun's laptop; if Jongin leans forward, Baekhyun will elbow him in the ribs whenever he hits the keys.

The movie starts. Jongin can't make out the title because the text has all but faded into the background. The video's such low quality it looks like an old VHS rip and the sound, what little there is of it, borders on tinny. Baekhyun's speakers are capable of much better. At least it doesn't look like a horror movie. There are no creepy woods or psychos with weird masks - though there is a horror movie staple, a pretty young American woman with long blonde hair and a tiny, tiny red shirt that appears to be stuffed with two giant pillows. The dialogue, strictly minimal, is in English, while too-small Korean subtitles in puffy yellow letters run across the bottom of the screen. Jongin can't help feeling the subs are not exactly official.

That the movie doesn't appear to have much of a budget only reinforces that opinion. Not much of a plot either, and not a great deal of realism, because while Jongin has never been to an American high school, he's pretty sure their female teachers aren't encouraged to wear miniskirts in class. One of the male students - it's a very small class - is kept afterwards for misbehaving, and Jongin starts to feel slightly queasy when the student saunters over to the teacher's desk, openly leering at her, and she smoulders back at him. It's not the age difference, which appears to be a few years at best, nor the forbidden thrill of a student-teacher encounter, which is only too clearly supposed to be the point of the entire thing.

It's that they're looking at each other like they want to devour each other completely, to tear their clothes off and go at it right on the desk, in the classroom, where anyone could walk in. There's so much sleaze in the room they'll slip on it if they're not careful. Jongin blinks at the surprisingly tender kisses taking place on the screen - tender but by no means innocent, not with where the student's hands are at the time - and wonders if it's normal to feel so squeamish just at this, kisses in a movie, nothing that even involves him.

He's seen people kissing before, of course. In real life, on the screen, in pictures. He ends up turning away a lot because a fleeting glance is more than enough to tell him there's nothing he wants to see here. When he's in the cinema, he focuses his eyes on a safe corner of the screen until his peripheral vision tells him it's over and it's okay to look again. If he does that now, he'll be averting his eyes for however long the file's got left to run and someone's bound to notice.

This is normal, right? They're three healthy young guys, lots of hormones, lots of energy, watching porn in the dark, and...okay, now the miniskirt is history, and so are the student's trousers. And his boxers. And that's just...weird. Naked guys are unavoidable when you live in dorms and Jongin's seen more of his bandmates than he really wants to, but it's polite not to look. Besides, then it's not...sexual. It's just them getting changed, or in the shower, or stumbling around half-awake without realising they've forgotten to get dressed.

Jongin sneaks a peek at the others. Baekhyun's lips are slightly parted; Jongin can't see his eyes clearly but there appears to be a whole lot of staring going on. Chanyeol is equally riveted on the screen, unable to turn himself away from the classroom hijinks. He accidentally brushes Jongin with his arm; when Jongin looks down, he sees Chanyeol's hand slowly moving up his thigh, fingers inching up those long, long legs.

And...no, Jongin is not going to sit here and politely pretend not to notice while Chanyeol gets himself off in the next chair. He doesn't know if Chanyeol's even aware of what he's doing, because he seems pretty out of it - for which Jongin can't blame him, because the rhythmic movement on the screen is almost hypnotic - but whether he's aware of it or not, he's making the situation that much more uncomfortable. What if Baekhyun starts too? Jongin doesn't know if he's supposed to join in, if this is like some manly bonding ritual no one ever told him about and he's just supposed to instinctively _know_.

The heating's not even on but the bedroom's far too warm - or maybe it's just Jongin, with sweat prickling along his skin and the lightheadedness he associates with stepping off an air-conditioned plane onto a scorching hot runway. He shifts awkwardly in his seat, wondering if the other two will notice if he sneaks out. The noise of Chanyeol's breathing might cover him now. It's obvious he's trying to be quiet - for once in his life - but he's not terribly successful and Jongin's afraid to look at him, not wanting Chanyeol jerking off to be his mental wallpaper for the rest of the night. He didn't come in here to be scarred for life.

The sloshing in his gut gets worse every time he catches a glimpse of the screen. From the corner of his eye he sees another student walk in. This can't possibly end well. The new student is all rippling muscles and gel-slicked hair, too cool for school and most definitely hot for teacher. Jongin closes his eyes and prays for the weird, queasy feeling to go away so he can get up and walk out without being sick. Maybe he's coming down with something and that's why he feels so uncomfortably warm.

Yeah, that's it. The fever only happens to be hitting him now because this is the first time in days he's stopped moving long enough to notice it. He should go get himself some water and crawl into bed, maybe via a shower because even though he's not the one burying himself between the thighs of a beautiful blonde, he still feels...dirty, somehow.

"Has anyone seen my- oh."

Exactly what Joonmyun is looking for is never revealed, because he instantly loses the power of speech when he sees what's playing on Baekhyun's laptop. Jongin opens his eyes and whips his head around to stare at the doorway, noting Chanyeol hurriedly moving his hands to a more innocuous position. Baekhyun doesn't bother to press pause.

Jongin counts the seconds his mature, capable leader spends looking like he's just been told he has to dye his hair bright turquoise for their next MV. It's about ten before Joonmyun's stunned face transitions into an awkward smile, one that says volumes about how much he wishes he were somewhere else right now. Jongin knows the feeling.

"I did knock, but I can see why no one heard me!" Joonmyun says with obvious false cheer. "I should-"

"You should join us, hyung," Baekhyun says. "It'll be educational."

"She's got long straight hair," Chanyeol adds. "Just your type."

Jongin feels ever so slightly bad that he's about to hang his leader out to dry, but he can't pass up this opportunity to escape. "Take my chair," he says, standing up and moving out of reach before Chanyeol can tug him back down again. "I'm feeling pretty knocked out anyway; I think I'm going to go lie down for a while."

Chanyeol and Baekhyun exchange looks Jongin doesn't even want to try to decipher, but they let him go without protest.

"Is it your back again?" Joonmyun asks quietly as he walks past, and Jongin nods, grateful for the excuse.

"Yeah. I was trying to ignore it, but..."

"Go get some rest." Joonmyun gives him that kind-yet-firm parental look he seems to have mastered despite his relative youth. "Let me know if you need anything, okay?"

Jongin promises that he will, then abandons Joonmyun to his fate. The latter is forced to take Jongin's seat despite his protests that his ideal girl should also have literary interests.

"She's a teacher," Baekhyun points out as he ushers Joonmyun over to the laptop. "How much more literary do you want?"

\-----

Baekhyun catches Jongin the next day, slipping into the bathroom while Jongin has a mouth full of toothpaste and can't make coherent replies without spraying both himself and the mirror. Fortunately, Baekhyun's topic of conversation doesn't seem to require much in the way of replies.

"We checked out some of the other files after you left," Baekhyun says. "There was also some girl-on-girl stuff, if that's more your thing?"

Jongin's not sure precisely what his 'thing' is, but he's certain he's not going to find it on Baekhyun's laptop. He shrugs his shoulders, which at least is an honest answer.

"Chanyeol likes that better." Baekhyun nudges Jongin aside a little so he can see himself in the mirror, and begins smoothing down his hair. "Maybe because one of the girls had the same hairstyle he had on _Happy Camp_ , I don't know. If you want anything for _personal_ use let me know and I'll pass you the files."

Jongin manages to spit the toothpaste in the sink and not all over Baekhyun, which he considers to be an achievement given the time of morning and the fact that he's only half-awake as it is. "That's okay," he says vaguely, hoping Baekhyun will mistake his reluctance for tiredness. "I don't really need it, so..."

"It worked for you pretty well yesterday?"

"Huh? Oh, that..." Jongin realises how his escape must've looked, given what Chanyeol was doing at the time, and immediately flounders. "No, I...my back was..."

Baekhyun gives him a grin far too lascivious for the time of morning. "And is your 'back' all better now?"

"It...I..."

"It's okay." Baekhyun pats him on the back, proving without a doubt that he's not buying the story. "I get it. Exhibitionist on the stage, more private in person. You don't have to be embarrassed about it if you need to be alone to take care of business."

It makes Jongin cringe, that Baekhyun thinks he's being so understanding about completely the wrong issue. It's a lie. It's not what Jongin wants at all, and he doesn't even know why. Is it weird, not to want to watch? To be disgusted by it? It wasn't a fever making him feel ill, he's sure of it now, but even thinking about it evokes the ghost of last night's nausea.

"It wasn't that!" he snaps. "All right? My back's fine. I left because I wasn't interested in watching, not because I got _too_ interested."

"Okay, okay." Baekhyun backs up a few steps. "So she wasn't your type. Next time I'll check and see if there's one with a Han Yeseul lookalike, special for you."

"Next time just count me out." Jongin swallows hard, mouth still fuzzy with mint. The mirror's not steamed up enough to hide the colour in his cheeks. "Please."

"He's still very young," Chanyeol says, as if they were a couple of decades apart in age, not a couple of years. He's leaning on the doorframe with a towel slung over his shoulder, making Jongin's humiliation complete. "He'll appreciate it more when he's older."

"Sehun appreciates it _now_ ," Baekhyun says, and Jongin wants to crumple up and hide under the sink.

"Maybe Sehun's precocious?" Chanyeol suggests.

"I'm pretty sure that's not the word you're looking for," Baekhyun scoffs. "Try 'obnoxious'."

Jongin should defend his friend, but frankly, Baekhyun's got a point, and Jongin's more concerned with how to extricate himself from this increasingly awkward conversation. He contemplates dragging Chanyeol away from the door and shoving him under the showerhead as a distraction, but he hates to think what they'd read into _that_.

Fortunately, it transpires that Baekhyun's in the bathroom for a reason other than to make his life difficult, so Jongin quickly rinses and runs for it. If he's lucky, maybe they'll just assume he's a late bloomer and never bring it up again, or at least hold off for a few years.

And maybe by then, Jongin will know whether or not he _is_ a late bloomer. Somehow, he doesn't think so. This feels different from being five and thinking all girls are icky. This isn't even about girls, in particular. It's about him, which means trying to explain it to anyone else is useless.

Especially when he can't even explain it to himself.

Chanyeol thinks he's too young. Joonmyun has a slightly different explanation when he approaches Jongin about it three days later, taking him aside when they're eating lunch. Jongin knows from the look on Joonmyun's face that whatever they're about to discuss is not going to be good for his digestion.

"About the other night..." Joonmyun begins, familiar concern written all over his face, and Jongin doesn't need to guess which night he means.

"My back's fine, hyung, I swear. I don't need to talk to the doctor again." Joonmyun takes his responsibilities very seriously, and looking after his bandmates is a large part of that. Jongin doesn't like to worry him unnecessarily. "But I promise I'll let you know if it hurts."

"It's not that." Joonmyun gives him an embarrassed smile; Jongin sets down his chopsticks, figuring it's smart to stop eating now in case he hears something that'll make him choke. "It's about...that video."

Oh no. This is either going to be a lecture on how he's too young to be watching such things (in which case he's going to throw out Sehun's name and see what happens) or some more well-intentioned advice on safe sex and respecting women.

"It wasn't mine?" Jongin says, hopefully. "Baekhyun invited me to watch a movie with him and Chanyeol and I honestly had no idea what it was-"

"I know," Joonmyun cuts him off, colour beginning to rise in his cheeks. "They told me. Don't worry, I'm not going to lecture you about watching porn in the dorms. You're an adult now; you can make your own decisions about what to watch."

"Then why...?"

"You left very suddenly. Baekhyun told me it wasn't because of your back." And now there's some serious parental gazing going on. "If you need to talk about anything, you know I'm always here for you, Jongin."

"R-right." Suddenly, Jongin's not entirely sure where this is going. He hopes this isn't an offer to help, because that is one area of his life where he really, really does not want - or need - assistance.

"It doesn't mean anything has to change," Joonmyun continues. "No one in the group is going to treat you any differently." He doesn't say it, but _And if they do, I'm going to be having words with them_ is strongly implied.

Jongin guesses that Baekhyun has mentioned his lack of enthusiasm. That has to be it, because he can't fathom why Joonmyun would think anyone would treat him any differently for wanting to jerk off in private. (Other than teasing him, but they all tease each other anyway - that wouldn't be anything new.) Unless there actually is some unwritten rule that he's broken, that means now he's ruined their harmonious brotherhood or something crazy like that.

"Why is it such a big deal that I wasn't interested in watching it?" he asks, keeping his voice low because Sehun's not sitting that far away. "Were you?"

Joonmyun's eyes leave Jongin's face and fix upon the furthest corner of the room. "Let's leave me out of this."

"I'm serious, I want to know. You were in there a while."

"I...might've stayed to ensure they didn't get into any trouble..." Joonmyun hedges.

"Such as? Chanyeol getting Baekhyun's laptop all wet?"

"His aim's not quite that bad."

"How's yours?"

The question escapes before Jongin can stop himself, and Joonmyun's frozen face tells him he's gone too far. "Sorry," he mutters. "I don't actually want to know. I really don't care what the three of you got up to in there. But I also didn't care about the video, and I don't get why everyone's making such a big fuss about it. Isn't it, I don't know, like a good thing that I'm not interested in watching porn?"

"That depends on your reasons, I think." Joonmyun stops staring over his shoulder and gives him a searching look. "Would you have been more interested if the cast had been all-male?"

Well, that's a first. Jongin's seen all the fansigns and heard all the screams from the audience - he knows there's a contingent of fans out there who like to think - who believe? - he's secretly seeing at least one of the other members. And any guy who learns ballet has to get used to the rumours pretty quick, or he won't last. He could even convince himself for a little while, maybe, that there's some truth there, buried beneath the way a touch of Lu Han's hand on his can make his heart beat faster, the way Lu Han can always make him laugh.

But...that's as far as it goes. He's pretty sure he'd know by now if he was attracted to Lu Han, or anybody else. If he wanted to do all those things everyone else seems so hung up on. He doesn't, so it can't be true.

"I'm not gay," he all but whispers. "I'm not...anything."

"Everyone's something," Joonmyun says reassuringly. "Even if they don't know what it is. You'll work it out. And if it turns out to be that you prefer men-"

"Can I finish lunch now?" Jongin interrupts. It's hard to argue his case when he's not even sure which side of the argument he's on. "Please? We have to go back soon."

Joonmyun checks the time and nods. "Sorry. I'll leave you in peace. Just remember, I'm here if you need to talk."

"I'll remember," Jongin promises, and he bends his head over his lunch, pretending to be completely absorbed in his food, until Joonmyun walks away.

\-----

Whatever Baekhyun's been saying about Jongin, it doesn't seem to have spread any further. Jongin knows this, because otherwise Sehun would be all over him and demanding answers that he doesn't have. Joonmyun seems to be keeping a closer eye on him than usual but life remains more or less constant - nobody shoves him away and accuses him of making passes at them when he sleeps on them at airports, or surprises them with backhugs on the stage, and he figures if they all thought he was gay, things might be different, no matter what Joonmyun says.

He also figures that if he actually were gay, he'd want more. A cuddle, for Jongin, isn't a prelude to something more sexual. It's intense enough in its own right, holding a warm, friendly body close. A brush of fabric against his skin, a gentle sweep across his senses that has him feeling good, feeling comfortable and relaxed and _safe_. He gets it from plushies too, clinging to the ridiculous oversized toys from fans as he walks around the stage, because their fur feels soft and reassuring pressed to his bare arms. He's always too warm anyway - keeping clothing to a minimum allows him to indulge himself in sensation against his skin, whether it's deliciously cool air blowing down his low-cut shirt or the casual graze of a bandmate's arm past his own.

Jongin doesn't expect the touches to lead anywhere - especially not with the plushies. He just enjoys them for what they are. When he and Kyungsoo have their joint birthday party with the fans, there's a certain amount of handholding and general clinginess going on and Jongin feels all the better for it. Small audience in a small room - and when you're one of the birthday boys, you get extra attention. Which, when Jongin's not performing and just has to be himself, is not terribly comfortable and even though it grates on Kyungsoo a bit, he graciously puts up with it. He's a good guy, and he appreciates that his roommate is unfortunately shy for someone in his line of work.

Kyungsoo doesn't push. Lu Han does.

EXO-M are back in Korea when it becomes clear the gossip's made its way around. They're filming a drama MV for their comeback, with football and uniforms, fighting and friendship and melodramatic teenage love. Lu Han's hair has been freshly dyed silver. Between that and his uniform jacket draped casually over his T-shirt, he looks like one of those juvenile delinquents from a fighting anime. It's an interesting look for him, and Jongin likes it a lot better than Chanyeol's extremely severe cut (which Chanyeol doesn't like either) and his own crimped waves. Being an idol is terribly hard on the hair.

Lu Han doesn't seem too bothered by his latest look, which only confirms that he's resigned to his fate at the hands of their stylists. Either that, or he's so happy about getting to play football _for work_ that he simply doesn't care. He's taking it more seriously than anyone else on the pitch, which means quite a few of them come away with bruises - though not Minseok, being the only one who even gets enough practice to keep up with him. There's nothing phony about the competitive atmosphere.

Acting doesn't come naturally to most of them but for Jongin, it's not much more than an extension of what he does whenever he's performing. He gives himself up to someone else, trusting that he - that _Kai_ \- will make the right moves at the right time and not disgrace himself too badly in front of the audience. Dancing is where his confidence lies. He knows he's good. Talking, on the other hand, is slightly more of a trial. Even then, it's still acting - he tries to be himself, as much as the agency's restrictions allow, while still holding something back for himself; what emerges is a crowd-pleasing kid, by turns childish and mature, bratty and caring, sly and innocent. He thinks he's got it covered. He's been in this job long enough now to have heard a number of useful lines to speak into a microphone, and the more experience he gets, the easier it is not to have to think too hard about what he's trying to say.

So yeah, he's getting better at this talking thing. But nobody told him there would be kissing.

"All you have to do is give her a little peck on the cheek," Lu Han says while the stylists try to get their hair back in order. "It's in the script; I don't think you have to worry about her slapping you."

Jongin frowns. "Like I'd be worried about that."

It's not as though he's never worked with girls before (and he sincerely hopes none of them get death threats from his more unstable fans). He's used to them being on the set. He can talk to girls. He can sing and dance with girls. He can crack awkward jokes with girls and hope they're laughing at the jokes and not him.

But kissing girls? That's something he hasn't even tried off the set, despite the best efforts of his female relatives to persuade him to do otherwise. He's not sure if the fact that Lu Han has to kiss her too is going to be a help or a hindrance. Both, possibly.

"Then why do you look like you've just been asked to stick your head in Chanyeol's mouth?"

Now there's a mental image Jongin really could do without. "I've never kissed a girl on camera before," he mumbles, omitting that he's never kissed one off camera, either. "What if I screw up and bash her nose or something?"

Lu Han pokes him in the cheek. Hard. "Aim there," he says. "If you get anywhere near her nose, you're doing it wrong."

"But-"

"It will take seconds out of your life, and then it will be done, and all you'll have to worry about will be the fan backlash when the footage sees the light of day." Lu Han grins at him. It's not terribly reassuring. "It's my turn first. Watch me, all right?"

So Jongin does, more because it's Lu Han than because he thinks having an example to follow would be helpful. He's not too concerned, to be honest, about breaking anyone's nose - not unless he trips over and sends them both flying, and he's usually graceful enough to avoid such things. That's only an excuse...but he has no idea what he's covering with it.

Lu Han's playful without losing his professionalism, and Jongin envies him the way he can casually saunter up to the girl, deliver his line, and peck her on the cheek without missing a beat. Somehow he manages to make it look like he'd love to do more than that, if only they were somewhere private. One take and it's just what the director wants.

Jongin steels himself to do the same. He can do this, damnit. He filmed their first teaser when he was so nervous he thought he'd have to throw up into his top hat, and did it show in the final cut? No. He's a professional and he knows what he's doing.

Lu Han pats his elbow on the way past and okay, Jongin can do this. Everyone's watching and if he can only forget about that, he'll be all right.

_Just like dancing_ , he tells himself. All he has to do is make the right moves at the right time. Move his head like _this_ , move his lips like _that_. He takes a shaky breath, willing his heart to stop its impression of a jackhammer in his chest, and then they're filming, they're really doing this. Now a kiss, okay, leaning in and...

Jongin freezes when he's still an inch from her face. He can't...his lips...her skin...

The director doesn't look quite so pleased anymore but he makes a crack about how well-mannered idols are, and goes for a second take. Jongin's wearing too much make-up for his reddened face to be an issue for the camera but the painful awkwardness of his apologetic smile more than compensates for it.

Take two goes no better. Jongin gets closer, enough that his lower lip begins to graze soft, pale skin, and he recoils immediately. There's laughter from somewhere off to the side and he knows it's Baekhyun. He doesn't dare look up. He's not even sure why he can't bring himself to do this - it's work, not a lifetime commitment - but he doesn't think he can, and he's too ashamed to try to explain that to the director.

After another six takes, Baekhyun's got a stitch from laughing too hard, the director's complaining loudly about his ulcer, and Jongin wants the ground to open up and swallow him. Take nine, he actually manages to land a kiss - on the hair, which he hadn't intended - but it's not good enough. It also sends him running for his water bottle, because the taste of hairspray is not terribly pleasant.

Lu Han's not working very hard to hide his smile as he hands Jongin the bottle. "Jongdae thinks you're screwing up on purpose to get more kisses out of this."

"Then he can do it himself," Jongin grumbles before gulping down a long draught of water. He doesn't need it as much as he needs the moment's break to try to compose himself. "I want this to be over."

"Then try getting it right." Lu Han makes it sound so simple. "Just aim, and plant." He blows Jongin an air kiss. "That's all you have to do. If you don't, we're going to be here all night and Baekhyun's going to laugh himself sick."

"He deserves it."

"Probably, but he's not the only one watching," Lu Han says. "I know you're not great with touching people you don't know well, but this is just work, okay? You don't have to make some deep emotional connection to do it."

"I know, but..." Jongin hangs his head miserably, twisting the cap on his water bottle back and forth between his fingers. "I don't want to do this," he whispers, mostly to himself.

"I can see that. Hmm." Lu Han hits on a solution. "What about this? You imagine you're kissing someone else, someone you do feel comfortable with. Like Kyungsoo, or Sehun, or Taemin..."

It doesn't escape Jongin's notice that Lu Han's only mentioning guys. He snaps his head up in alarm but Lu Han's face doesn't give away any clues, and Jongin has no way of knowing what, if anything, he's heard from the others. "Hyung, I'm not sure picturing myself kissing my _roommate_ is going to make this any less awkward. Especially not after we get home."

"Only a suggestion." Lu Han steals the water bottle away. Jongin tries to follow; the director starts waving at him and that's it, his grace period is up. "If nothing else works, remember that Baekhyun's unlikely to stop laughing until you get it."

As motivation goes, that's not bad. Baekhyun's rubbing his aching sides; Jongin suspects the only reason Sehun's not in the same boat is because he's too busy chatting up one of the wardrobe assistants to notice the failed kiss scene. Sehun's barely graduated and the woman's got at least a decade on him, so that's probably going nowhere.

On the tenth take, Jongin finally succeeds in planting a quick kiss on the girl's cheek. He doesn't even have to close his eyes. He's taking Lu Han's advice, picturing someone else in his mind, imagining his lips brushing lightly over recently-shaved skin belonging to someone who...doesn't make him feel _comfortable_ , exactly, but that odd, mixed-up feeling Jongin gets when he thinks about him, while confusing, isn't all bad. It probably doesn't make a great case for convincing anyone he's not gay, though.

Not when the face he imagines belongs to Lu Han.

\-----

One of the things Jongin most dislikes about his job is the way it cuts into his time for sleeping. He's pretty good at catching naps just about anywhere these days, from hard airport chairs to the floor of the practice rooms, but nothing's ever quite as satisfying as the rest he gets in the comfort of his own bed.

At least, until now.

There aren't enough hours in the night for Jongin to lie awake worrying about work, and even in the early days, he'd been too exhausted for it. Now, however, he's got just enough energy to spare that anything that confuses him enough to alarm him by day also makes its presence felt at night - which is exactly when he doesn't want to be thinking about what Lu Han knows, or thinks he knows, about him. He resents sacrificing precious hours of sleep for something that doesn't matter anyway. Why should he care if anyone has the wrong idea about him, when he's not even sure what the right idea is?

"Will you settle down?" Kyungsoo says sleepily from across the room. "What are you doing over there - trying to kill your pillow?"

"Sorry," Jongin mutters back. "I can't sleep."

"So I noticed." There's a click, and the nightlight by Kyungsoo's bed flickers to life. He props himself up on one elbow to look over at Jongin, who's trying to shield his eyes from the light. "Are you feeling okay? Do you need me to get you anything?"

It's not the first time they've had one of these conversations at two in the morning; in the past, Jongin's had reason to be grateful for Kyungsoo's caring disposition. Unfortunately, there's nothing here that can be resolved with a glass of water, or painkillers, or a comforting cuddle. Asking Kyungsoo whether he thinks Lu Han thinks Jongin's into guys is probably a breach of the roommate code or something - never mind the fact that he's hardly likely to have an answer.

"I'm okay," Jongin says. "Just restless. But thanks."

The light goes out again. He tries to keep still, and let the sleep that usually comes so easily wash over him. It takes its own sweet time. Of all the members, Kyungsoo's the one most likely to keep anything Jongin tells him to himself - Jongin could ask him, could take advantage of the experience he knows Kyungsoo has, and maybe learn what it's supposed to feel like when you're attracted to someone. He wouldn't have to mention Lu Han by name, only the things he feels when he thinks about him, like how adorable it is when Lu Han laughs and his jaw practically detaches itself from his face, or how soothing it is to rest his hands on Lu Han's shoulders when they're on camera.

"Hyung?" Jongin whispers. "Can I ask you something?"

But Kyungsoo is already asleep.

\-----

The rooming arrangement changes before long, with EXO-M now spending the bulk of their time in Korea, and all twelve of them plus their managers in the dorms. The bathroom situation becomes even more ridiculous - Jongin's never dancing in the shower again, because there's no room for him to do so when he ends up sharing it with a few of the others. That's assuming he can even get through the door in the first place, because Zitao is forever in one of the bathrooms, staring at himself in the mirror. Everyone in EXO is a looker, but some of them are more high-maintenance than others.

Jongin's new roommates are Joonmyun and Jongdae, which at least means that the worst he has to put up with is his leader's habit of leaving clothes lying around everywhere. Joonmyun doesn't seem inclined to quiz him about his sexuality again, possibly because with their hectic schedule, the only person who even has the energy to think about girls - or not girls - is Baekhyun, who is more or less unstoppable. Baekhyun wants to become a good all-around entertainer, a capable man who can turn his hand to anything. He thinks it will make him more appealing to girls. Jongin has no idea if he's right or not, because what makes someone appealing, anyway? He's not sure.

He can smile like he's doing a toothpaste commercial, wave like the winner of a beauty pageant and make cute heart shapes with his hands like a teenage girl posing for photographs. He dances like it's more natural to him than walking and if a catwalk isn't exactly his favourite place, he can hold his own there. Is any of that supposed to make him appealing? Probably, but he can see all of that in his bandmates and none of it makes him want to throw himself at them. Not even Lu Han. What he likes about Lu Han is...well, that's the problem.

Lu Han with his fluffy pink hair, and an impish grin when he tells Jongin what to say in Mandarin at the Top Chinese Music Awards. Being on the red carpet puts them on the spot, especially the Korean members, who can't avoid being asked what Mandarin they know.

"Do you really think I'm handsome?" Jongin asks Lu Han afterwards, before they fly back to Korea and too much time has passed to ask the question. Zitao can get away with asking anyone, anytime, but he knows how to be cute about it. Jongin's deliberate attempts at being cute generally leave him feeling mortified. "Or did you just suggest that to raise a laugh?"

Asking a question like that while changing clothes is possibly not good timing on Jongin's part, because Lu Han stops undressing, steps back, and scans Jongin from the toes upwards, eyes finally coming to rest on his face. They look at each other a lot, usually while sharing a laugh, but this time Jongin feels like Lu Han's actually studying him, using his eyes to map the shape of Jongin's face until he's built up the perfect picture and can offer a well-considered opinion. It's awkward enough that Jongin takes longer than usual pulling his shirt over his head, trying to deflect some of the attention. 

Finally, Lu Han says, "Both. But don't let it go to your head."

"I'm not Sehun."

"Sehun would've asked more cutely."

Jongin contemplates having a go at it but they're not being filmed - he doesn't have to embarrass himself to entertain the fans, not here. He doesn't even know if that's what Lu Han's suggesting, anyway. He looks down, rubbing his neck, and says, "I'm not good at being cute like that."

Lu Han crouches down a little so Jongin can see his slightly deranged grin, the one that says he's more demonspawn than ethereal elf prince. "You don't have to be. You're cute just being yourself."

A knowing smirk from Jongdae has Jongin trying to make light of it - _no, hyung, I'm not blushing, everything's fine, why should I be flustered?_ \- and it's not until later, when they're on the plane home, that it dawns on Jongin that perhaps things aren't fine after all. 

It's not uncommon for any of them to have their cuteness praised by others in the group, by their seniors or show hosts. Jongin doesn't automatically assume that anyone who compliments his looks or talents is making a pass at him - especially his looks, because...well...some days are better than others, and lack of sleep doesn't do his skin any favours. Comments he receives from fans can never go anywhere, so he's not worried about those, and his shyness - which, he's told, makes him come across as standoffish - helps to keep strangers at bay.

So to hear, from a goodlooking male friend, that he's cute, is nothing out of the ordinary. Except that this is Lu Han, which means that 'ordinary' has nothing to do with it. It's not a matter of language. Jongin's Mandarin is very much a work in progress but Lu Han mostly speaks to him in Korean; it's not that anything is lost in translation. Lu Han knows exactly what he's saying.

Unfortunately, Jongin doesn't always know what he means by it, and it's not as if he can ask Lu Han outright, "Are you hitting on me?"

\-----

They're going to come back as EXO, not EXO-K and EXO-M, promoting together rather than separately in two countries. So that means Jongin's going to see much more of Lu Han and the others than he did while they were promoting _MAMA_. The prospect would be far less disconcerting if only he knew what Lu Han wanted from him. 

Of course, if he knew, then he'd have to decide what to do about it, and he's not sure he can. He's been perfectly content to live his life so far without any involvements, and while he's turned people down before, it's never been anyone he's cared about as anything more than a friend. Whether or not that describes how he feels about Lu Han is...not easy to say. The feelings he has when he thinks about Lu Han are not ones that anyone else manages to evoke in him, but he doesn't think they're the feelings other people have when they want to kiss someone, either. Jongin still doesn't get that, and he's not sure he's ever going to.

It's not for lack of proximity. Their days are mostly spent practising, which means a lot of physical exertion, which means a lot of showers. There's an on-going battle for the hot water, and anyone who finds himself last in line takes his chances with whatever's left. Zitao's rarely in that position, cheerfully squeezing in with anyone who'll take him, but not everyone is so keen to have the company. Yixing's particularly fussy about it.

So's Lu Han, but he doesn't have much of a choice when he and Jongin are the last of the group to reach home, a week after the awards on a night when the other bathroom's already occupied, both of them would really appreciate a hot shower, and rumour has it - at least according to Kyungsoo - that there might be hot water left.

"But only because the food had arrived, so everyone was really quick," Kyungsoo adds. "I'll try to save some pizza but I can't make any guarantees."

If either of them want either food or hot water, there's nothing else for it. Jongin gives Lu Han a questioning look; Lu Han replies with a shrug and a resigned smile, and off they go.

This...shouldn't be awkward. It's not like they've never seen each other naked before. But they've never seen each other naked before when Jongin's been uncertain about whether or not Lu Han's made a pass at him, and that complicates things. A lot. Jongin strips off his sweat-soaked clothes without even registering Lu Han doing the same beside him, because there's a train of thought riding a loop line around his head and it just keeps picking up speed. 

_He was just teasing me...but what if he wasn't? What am I supposed to do? I didn't say anything, so maybe he'll think I don't care? But I do care. But do I care the way he wants me to care? If he wants me to care? And if he does, is sharing a shower going to send some kind of message I don't understand?_

That's the kind of thinking that's going to leave Jongin freezing cold and starving. He makes sure there are towels on the side before Lu Han locks them in; when the first spray of water hits his back he forgets, for a moment, that he even has company, so relieved that yes, the water is still hot. It's been a long day. All he wants to do is let the shower ease some of the tension in his shoulders, then get out, grab some food, and sink down onto the nearest soft surface that'll support his weight, up to and including fellow EXO members.

But maybe not Lu Han, who could be grading Jongin on how well he shampoos his hair because he's watching him that closely. It's...unexpected. Jongin only knows because he's sneaking peeks at Lu Han too, just to check and see if he's still being watched, but mostly he thinks there should be no looking at all. They're in there together to get clean, not to have a _moment_. The spray's heavy, but nowhere near powerful enough to keep them from each other's sight, which Jongin would prefer because then he wouldn't have to wonder if Lu Han's unnervingly intense scrutiny is actually meaningful, or if it's just that he's got foam on his nose or something equally mundane.

When no comments about foam are forthcoming he assumes it's not that. Jongin's half-facing the wall anyway - would turn to it completely, except that he doesn't want to turn his back on Lu Han. That's never wise. 

"Can you pass my shower gel?" Lu Han asks, and yeah, that's exactly why Jongin doesn't want to turn his back on him. The shower gel's on a shelf _behind Lu Han_ , which means that not only does Jongin have to turn around, but he has to move closer. There's clearly some ulterior motive here and Jongin hopes it's only a ruse so Lu Han can put him in a playful chokehold, not act out a scene from one of Baekhyun's dubious collection of numbered files.

Lu Han's older, but the two of them mess around easily enough that Jongin could conceivably get away with telling him to fetch it himself - in a suitably playful tone, of course. He doesn't. 

Jongin shifts slowly on the slippery floor, heated skin now owing more to self-consciousness than hot water, and stretches out one slick, soapy hand for the bottle. If Lu Han's spaced out and not realised his shower gel's actually behind him, fine. If Lu Han knows exactly where his shower gel is and is just messing with Jongin's head, fine.

If Lu Han knows exactly where his shower gel is and wants Jongin to turn around so he can take a better look...well, Jongin has no idea what to do about that.

Unfortunately, the third option appears to be correct, if the way Lu Han's grinning is any indication, and it makes Jongin feel like even though they're both naked, _he's_ the only one exposed here. Like Lu Han's seeing straight through his skin, taking him apart cell by cell until whatever's left simply washes down the drain. He grabs the bottle of shower gel and holds it straight out, growing more and more uncomfortable as Lu Han refuses to take it.

"What are you _doing_?" he asks in desperation.

Lu Han finally accepts the bottle. "Admiring the view."

Jongin stares at him with rivulets of water trailing down his face and into his open mouth. That doesn't tell him anything. Is Lu Han playing with him after all? Or is he serious? "But what does that _mean_?"

Lu Han startles, fingers stilling on the bottlecap. "It means I think you're beautiful, especially when you're dripping wet and can't keep your hair out of your eyes."

It's a good thing the noise from the shower means the others can't hear this conversation. Maybe Joonmyun should be having one of his little talks with Lu Han instead, because compliments like that, delivered in situations like this, do not sound terribly straight, and Jongin's pretty sure that whether Lu Han is actually gay or not, he is, at least, more gay than Jongin - if only because Jongin has no idea how to define himself. His idea of things he likes to do with Lu Han tend more towards leaning comfortably on each other and sharing snacks as they watch Chelsea vs. Man U matches, and considerably less towards awkward naked compliments in the shower.

"Why are you telling me this _now_?" 

And oops, that was a little louder than Jongin had intended. He doesn't mean to shout, but it's not the best place to have a discussion and Lu Han's not making it any easier by being confusing. Maybe there's some kind of secret code he missed learning in high school and now conversations like this make absolutely no sense to him. 

"Because I think being subtle would be wasted on you, so I thought I'd try being obvious. But you're still not getting it, are you?"

"Getting what?" Jongin all-but-screams. There's nothing more frustrating than being told he's failing to pick up on something that anyone else would understand.

"That I like you!"

Jongin's heard that enough times in dramas and movies to know what it means when someone says it that way, that they don't just mean as a friend. What he doesn't know is how it can possibly apply to him. He's too stunned to respond. The water takes a turn for the lukewarm and then freezes, icy water shocking him back to himself with a jolt. Lu Han's still holding the shower gel, not even pretending to wash himself, focused only on Jongin, and it's attention Jongin could really do without right now. This bathroom's not big enough for all the thoughts swirling around inside his head.

He needs to get out of here before more than just his skin freezes. Lu Han's looking at him expectantly and there's no way he's coming up with any kind of answer while they're showering.

A rattle from the door has them both turning to look. The shower gel slips from Lu Han's hand; as he bends over to pick it up the door opens to reveal Chanyeol, clutching a cotton bud and smiling sheepishly. Jongin waves an annoyed hand at him to go away, because if this little chat is awkward enough with two participants it'll be excruciating with three.

"Sorry," Chanyeol says. "I thought Zitao was in this one. Guess he was in the other one..."

He backs out and shuts the door again, but the atmosphere's broken and for that, at least, Jongin's grateful to him. He finishes up quickly and without another word, wrapping his towel around his waist and making straight for his room. 

The next time he sees Lu Han is when they're both safely dressed and working on the pizza that Kyungsoo's managed to save for them. Lu Han doesn't talk at all, too busy stuffing his face, so Jongin happily follows his example. They can't speak here, not with so many witnesses. Jongin figures if he's never alone, Lu Han can't possibly reopen the discussion and that means no trying to come up with a suitable response. He makes a point of sticking close to Sehun for the rest of the evening, on the grounds that Sehun's the least likely to ask questions if he seems a little off. It seems to work. Jongin waits until Jongdae announces he's going to bed, and then follows before the rest of them can disappear and leave him alone with Lu Han.

It's a disturbed night anyway. _Why now?_ Jongin thinks, against his will because he could definitely do with the sleep and thoughts like this aren't going to help. Lu Han's not been back from Beijing long, granted vacation time to do who knows what, and there's no way this is a spur of the moment thing. He must've been thinking about it before. Jongin's fairly certain that 'love at first sight' is not technically possible when you've known someone for years. (Though really, what would he know about it?)

He's sleepier than usual the next morning. Lu Han's eyes say he's tired, but he's as lively as ever when they practise, always ready to play around when he doesn't have to be serious. At no point are they left alone. Jongin can feel Lu Han's gaze on him wherever he goes, expectant, waiting for some sort of sign that simply isn't forthcoming. It's not like him to leave things hanging like this - he prefers to clear the air as soon as possible, to eliminate misunderstandings - but he genuinely has no clue how to go about it this time. If he knew what to say, he could be blunt about it...but he doesn't.

So he waits, and waits, and waits, enduring Lu Han's attention while he hides in crowds. He keeps waiting for someone - Joonmyun, Baekhyun, anyone - to pick up on it, and poke holes in the mask he's wearing, the one that says he's not conflicted in the slightest. Though he doesn't want to hurt Lu Han's feelings, he doesn't think he can return them, either. Assuming he's understanding them to be what he thinks they might be. He might simply be reading too much into this. 

That's a faint hope he has to relinquish after a couple of days where lack of privacy has been the only obstacle standing between Jongin and an extremely awkward conversation with Lu Han. Jongin's luck runs out around two in the morning, slipping sleep-befuddled into the kitchen for a drink. He's not expecting to have company. With his eyes open barely enough to keep him from walking into furniture, it takes him a minute to realise he's not alone, that he doesn't need to fumble around in the semi-darkness for a light switch because someone's already hit it.

He pauses in the doorway, blinking against the light until he can open his eyes without discomfort. Lu Han's leaning against the counter, hands wrapped around a mug, looking far more awake than Jongin thinks anyone has a right to be at this time of night. Certainly, if Jongin himself were less sleepy, he'd listen to the part of his brain telling him to turn around and walk back out before he's spotted. But he's not. He's tired, and he's thirsty, and he's not leaving without the drink he came for. No one in their right mind would try to start a conversation with _him_ , of all people, and expect coherency at two in the morning. (Sehun has, but that only proves Jongin's point.)

Lu Han gives him a faint smile as he closes the door to keep the light and noise from disturbing the others. "'Morning."

Good. This is the level of conversation Jongin's zombie brain can deal with. "'Morning," he mumbles back.

"Drink?" Lu Han waves his mug. "The water didn't boil that long ago."

The last thing Jongin needs is to ingest a substance that will make him feel more awake. He could just pour himself a glass of water and leave, but Lu Han's not acting like someone who's only been up for a few minutes and that makes him curious. He nods, stumbling blearily towards the cupboard for a mug of his own until hands latch onto his shoulders and propel him towards a stool.

"Sit," Lu Han says. "I'll do it. You're not awake enough to make it without smashing something."

"Why are you?" Jongin asks. "Awake, I mean."

"Because I've been up for an hour already." Lu Han sets a fresh mug down on the table. "I don't think I'm getting back to sleep tonight."

Jongin takes an experimental swig of his tea, pleasantly surprised when it doesn't sear the surface of his tongue. "Not if you've been drinking coffee for the last hour."

"I think it's part of the stash Kris's Canadian friends sent him." Lu Han doesn't appear remotely guilty over this. "I won't tell if you won't."

Jongin swipes a lazy finger over his mouth, indicating complaisance. When Lu Han's eyes follow his finger it dawns on him that perhaps drawing attention to his lips is a bad idea. He hides them behind his mug, taking slow slips and letting his eyes drift shut again. It doesn't take much to pretend he's on the verge of falling asleep.

"You can stop pretending I'm not here," Lu Han says softly. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I know you're here."

"But you've been ignoring me since..." Lu Han gives him a rueful smile. "Did it bother you that much? I didn't mean to push you away."

"You didn't," Jongin tries to explain, tiredness beginning to recede as the intensity of the situation makes itself known. "I don't...I don't mind. I was just...surprised."

"If you were _surprised_ , then being subtle really doesn't work on you, does it? Not that being obvious seems to work either..."

"I don't normally get people hitting on me in the shower." Jongin's now pretty much certain he's not misinterpreting Lu Han's words. "What was I supposed to do?"

Lu Han shrugs. "Say it back? Turn me down? Laugh at me and tell me I'm such a joker? But you didn't say _anything_ , and you've been avoiding me since then, so I thought...I don't know, that maybe you thought I was disgusting, or something. I know you're not good at expressing yourself, Jongin, but be honest with me, okay?"

"Um..." There have been many occasions in Jongin's life where he's wished he really had the ability to teleport himself out of awkward situations, and they don't come much more awkward than this. He sets the mug of tea down because he doesn't trust himself to hold onto it (and also because it will be a hindrance if he tries to flee). "I don't think you're disgusting, hyung. I...I don't know what to think. That I'm...flattered, maybe?" He groans through his teeth. This is _hard_. "What do you want me to say?"

"That...you like me back? But I guess that's not going to happen, is it?"

"It's not that I don't like you-" Jongin breaks off as Lu Han takes a step towards him, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. Perhaps it's safest to say nothing at all.

"Then what's the problem? It's not like I'm some random SM actress you barely know."

Jongin's never going to hear the end of it about his first screen kiss. "I don't...uh...I don't know if it's the same way you like me. I don't know what that's supposed to feel like."

If Lu Han's surprised, it doesn't show. He edges nearer until he's beside Jongin, leaning back against the table. He looks relaxed, but to Jongin, the atmosphere feels anything but. "Then tell me what you like about me?" he suggests.

That's more the kind of thing Jongin expects to hear from Zitao or Chanyeol, the group's resident narcissists. He doesn't think Lu Han's fishing for compliments, though. "I like..." he begins, haltingly. "I like the way you get so fired up when we watch football together, and then we talk about it afterwards and you refuse to admit when you're wrong."

"I don't think I'm wrong," Lu Han says. "Go on?"

Jongin refuses to believe this is actually what Lu Han wants to hear, but he tries to continue anyway. "I like the way you're so expressive when you laugh, even if you keep giving me bruises."

"You give me bruises right back."

True enough. Jongin doesn't _mean_ to hit people when he laughs - he's not sure he can say the same for Lu Han - but all those feelings have to go somewhere and he can't manage to keep himself from flailing when amusement strikes. When they sit together, no one wants to get between them for fear of being attacked from both sides, but Jongin will happily take the bruises. Each one is a burst of laughter that Lu Han's seen fit to share with him.

"I like..." Jongin nibbles on his lower lip for a few seconds, trying to come up with more reasons that won't give Lu Han the wrong idea about him - not that he's sure what the right idea is... "I like that you're so kind, even when you're pretending to be evil."

"Who's pretending?" Lu Han says nonchalantly. "You shouldn't listen to Sehun when he tells you he's got me wrapped around his little finger."

"I don't need Sehun to tell me you're a good person."

"I could be good - if that's what you want."

As if Jongin has any idea what he wants. Clarity, ideally, but that doesn't look to be forthcoming. He tries for it anyway. "I want to know what you want from me."

"I want you to stop avoiding me."

"I...wasn't trying to avoid you," Jongin hedges. "But I didn't know what to say. I still don't."

"You've said the right things so far," Lu Han says, rubbing an encouraging elbow against Jongin's. Jongin stands up, because if he doesn't he's going to fall off the stool before long. "What makes you think the way you like me is any different from the way I like you?"

"Because how am I supposed to know what you're feeling?" It's that same old frustration, the in-joke that it seems everyone in the world gets but him. "I told you, I don't know what that feels like."

"You've never fallen for anyone before? Never had a crush on a classmate, or fancied one of our seniors?"

There's nothing more scornful in Lu Han's voice than gentle surprise, but somehow just hearing those words makes Jongin feel as though he's admitting to something shameful or depraved, that there's something _not right_ about him. He tries to swallow down that feeling; it's ridiculous, really. There are far worse things he could be. He's never killed anyone (even if he has tried to strangle Sehun a few times), he's kind to children and animals, he's a dutiful son. He's not perfect, but who is? So what if he's never been interested in anyone?

Except...he is, sort of. But he has no way of knowing if Lu Han feels like that too, or if it's something different for him. 

"Never," he forces out through numb lips, and Lu Han nods, a smile of elation spreading slowly across his face.

"Then I feel special," he says. "I get to be the first."

The first _what_ is still up for debate, but Jongin can't think of any better way to explain himself. This is a failure to communicate that has nothing to do with Lu Han's understanding of Korean. They're speaking the same language - only Jongin's not sure Korean has the words to describe his feelings. Maybe no language does, and he has to make do with words that don't quite work the way he wants.

Having Lu Han standing so close doesn't help matters. He's warm, and comfortable, and it's the middle of the night, and...

"You look like you're thinking it over very seriously," Lu Han says. "That's one of the things I like about you. You're a brat, sometimes, but you consider things properly."

"So I don't look like an idiot on camera."

"Sometimes you still do," Lu Han points out. "But that's part of your charm too. The sweet, shy boy who covers his embarrassment with a smile and tries to laugh it off, no matter how much he's dying inside."

"You're charmed by me dying inside?"

"I'm charmed by lots of things. The way you're always dancing, even when there's no music. The way your confidence shines through when you dance. The way you jump at sudden noises."

" _Hyung_ ," Jongin whines. He'd rather not focus on the more embarrassing moments of his career so far, which are all over the internet for the world to see. Everyone's seen him startled by confetti now. (Trying to explain to Sehun that he's not actually afraid of tiny pieces of paper was a task and a half.)

"I'm also," Lu Han raises his hand to Jongin's face, tracing the shape of his lips with a light brush of an index finger, "charmed by these. May I?"

Jongin freezes. Lu Han's not really touching his skin, only skimming close enough to nudge the faint, early-morning stubble. It's far more intimate a touch than they've ever shared before, one that has his heart hammering its way out of his chest because there's only one thing Lu Han can mean. This isn't some peck on the cheek with a girl he barely knows, in front of the camera with everyone watching. This will be a _real_ kiss, whatever that is. Jongin's seen them on TV, seen them in movies, seen them in real life. Always other people. People who look like they know what they're doing. People who, presumably, want to be kissing.

Jongin's not sure he does. But he's not sure he _doesn't_ , either.

This is Lu Han. This is his friend, even if he makes Jongin feel infinitely more mixed-up than any friend has a right to. Lu Han wants this. Jongin _might_ want this. Maybe it'll be okay.

He nods, small and uncertain, but it's good enough for Lu Han, who looks like he could melt into a puddle of happiness right there in the kitchen without even getting his kiss. Jongin wonders what it is about himself that could make anyone look at him like that - someone who's not a fan, who's seen him in every state from barely human to vaguely repulsive, and knows all the dirty little secrets you only learn from living in close quarters together for an extended period of time. He's nowhere near Lu Han's ideal type - at least, not the type he talks about in interviews - but no one ever asks them what they like about boys, only what they like about girls, and maybe he's Lu Han's type of boy. 

It doesn't seem like a good time to ask, not when Lu Han's fingers are moving to make way for his lips, and Lu Han's small, deceptively-angelic face is right there, coming closer and closer and...

Jongin's chest tightens, as though the nearer Lu Han comes, the more of Jongin's air he steals, sucking it down into his own lungs, never to be returned. That's not how it's supposed to work. This is happening to someone else.

_This is happening to someone else._

This is happening to _him_.

He's too close to see, but his mind's eye tells him those faceless lips are moments away from latching onto his, for that scarred smile to part and softly slick his skin with someone else's spit, sharing saliva whether he wants it or not because this meeting of mouths is somehow an acceptable - even encouraged - way of demonstrating affection. He'll take tiny fragments of Lu Han into himself as though they contain all the feelings Lu Han has for him, and somehow that's supposed to be okay, that if someone cares for you enough, that care should outweigh any revulsion you might feel.

It doesn't. 

Jongin lets out a choked gasp and steps back, wincing as he catches his hip on the table. Lu Han looks utterly bewildered, both puzzled and hurt, but he doesn't make any move to follow. Jongin's free to run, as fast and as far as he wants, and Lu Han won't chase him.

"I thought that's what you wanted," Lu Han says.

Jongin tells him half a lie: "So did I."

And then he flees.

\-----

Jongin's not sure he's seen anyone run away from a kiss before, except in jest. He's seen people transformed by them and woken from an enchanted sleep (not in real life, of course), seen people get slapped as a result of them and have arguments over them, but by and large, he assumes that anyone who has already consented to a kiss probably sticks around to follow through. 

But not him, oh no. He crawls back into bed in the darkness, burrowing under the covers until he's cocooned, protected from the reality of what he's just done. Or _not_ done, to be precise. But there's no shelter sufficient to block the memory of the hurt in Lu Han's eyes. 

Though they tease each other frequently, they've never hurt each other, and Jongin wouldn't do it for the world. He'd sooner give up dancing than see pain in anyone else's face and know that he was the cause of it. Lu Han probably thinks he was lying, now; maybe thinks Jongin really does hate him, or finds him disgusting, or was just playing with him for some kind of sick joke. That couldn't be further from the truth, and Jongin knows that because if he didn't like Lu Han so much, he wouldn't be feeling so guilty now. He replays the scene in his head: each time he tries to find a different ending, a better ending, and the best he can do is that he never lets Lu Han make him that cup of tea in the first place. Would it have been better if he'd turned around and gone straight back to bed, or would that simply have postponed the problem to another time?

He's lucky they have a clear day, because he's still awake when Joonmyun and Jongdae get up and it feels like he hasn't slept in months. Maybe he can just stay in bed forever, and then he won't have to try to explain to Lu Han that he's not rejecting _Lu Han_ , he's rejecting...kissing? 

"It's got to be two hundred degrees in here," Jongdae says, slightly muffled, from somewhere near the foot of Jongin's bed. "How is he not melting under there?"

"Maybe he already has," Joonmyun says. He sounds even nearer. "Shall we lift up the covers and see?"

It's true that the room's baking, because Joonmyun only lets them have the aircon on for an hour each day, but Jongin's too cold on the inside to be bothered by external heat. Just the thought of facing Lu Han has his blood turning to ice. "I'm trying to sleep," he whines, hoping they can make out the words. 

"You can sleep anywhere, anytime," Jongdae says. "It's one of your greatest skills, so how about you practise it while we go out for breakfast?"

Anxiety and lack of sleep aren't doing wonders for Jongin's appetite, and the notion of going for breakfast - of facing Lu Han, at breakfast - is an impossible and greatly unwanted one. His stomach clenches and he groans unwittingly, turning onto his side so he can curl up into as small a ball as he can manage. If he's lucky, his body will keep going past the limits of nature and shrink into itself entirely.

His shield is suddenly whisked away. Joonmyun reaches down from above, sets one hand on his shoulder to try to nudge him into rolling over. "Hey." Joonmyun's not making jokes about Jongin having melted now. "What's wrong?"

_Everything._ "Nothing," Jongin forces out, talking down into his chest because this is not a day for looking anyone in the eyes. "I just didn't get much sleep."

" _You_ didn't get much sleep?" Jongdae clearly has issues believing this. "You fell asleep before I did."

"And I've been awake since two." Jongdae makes soft, apologetic noises as Jongin adds, "You guys enjoy your breakfast. I'm not hungry." 

"Want us to bring you something back?" Joonmyun asks, and Jongin shakes his head; keeps shaking it until Joonmyun lightly squeezes his shoulder and lets him bury himself once more.

Joonmyun will probably check on him later, because that's what he does, the shepherd tending his flock, but for now Jongin can hide. He listens to the sounds of his roommates getting ready; if he concentrates, he can make out the noise of the others as they all prepare to leave. He'll be alone soon, and then when it's safe, he can go take a shower, try to wash away regret with the hot water - if the others have left him any. He doubts it, but a cold shower is the least of his problems right now.

When shouted goodbyes - and Joonmyun's quieter attempts to hush them - reach his ears, he waits a couple of minutes, in case anyone's forgotten anything and comes rushing back, then ventures out of bed. The ice water running through his veins robs him of his grace, until he's a stone statue stumbling forwards, step after heavy step, collecting fresh clothes with fumbling fingers as clumsy as his feet. He throws a clean towel over his shoulder and works his way out the bedroom.

There are two bathrooms in their dorm. Jongin makes for one.

Lu Han, with bags under his eyes and a towel tucked under his arm, is making for the other. 

Jongin freezes, horrified. He can't turn back. It's too late, Lu Han's seen him. Lu Han will-

_-Lu Han will turn away and slink sadly into the bathroom as though Jongin's not even there._

Jongin's half-relieved to escape confrontation, but only half. If they don't break the silence, someone's bound to notice eventually, and he doesn't want to try to explain it. He doubts Lu Han will, either. Lu Han's friendly, and playful, and he knows how to make his assets work for him, but he keeps his secrets to himself, hidden far below the surface where few are ever allowed to see. Does anyone else even know how he feels about Jongin? Would he tell anyone, even if he didn't have to hide it for the sake of his career? 

Probably not, but he's told the most important person already. Jongin feels guilt gnawing away at his empty stomach again and quickly shuts himself in the other bathroom. The water's barely lukewarm but that's not why he rushes through his shower. When he leaves, the other bathroom door remains shut, the sound of running water still audible. Lu Han's not out yet. Jongin can slip back into his room first.

Perhaps it's cowardly, perhaps it's stupid, but while Jongin's head is telling him he needs to talk to Lu Han as soon as possible, his heart's telling him he has no idea what to say.

But then, how often does he really know what to say, anyway? Not nearly as often as he'd like. And he can hardly write Lu Han a letter of explanation and slip it under the door. 

Jongin sighs, one hand poised to shut his bedroom door, and returns to sit in wait for Lu Han. He's not there long. Lu Han's not even looking where he's going when he emerges, preoccupied with rubbing a towel over his hair, which means he almost walks straight into Jongin. Jongin evades just in time; Lu Han looks up at the movement, slowly drawing the towel down to his side as their eyes meet - an unhappy, silent gaze Jongin has to break before Lu Han can walk away again.

"Hyung," he starts, bravely, "talk to me. _Please_. I don't want to fight."

"Who's fighting?" Lu Han says with a shrug. His damp pink hair sticks out in all directions, tousled from the towel. "What would be the point?"

"The point is I don't want you to hate me."

Bewilderment spoils Lu Han's subdued demeanour. "Hate you? Why would I hate you?"

"Because I didn't...um...because I..."

"Because you said it was okay to kiss you, and then you ran away?" Lu Han suggests, a tinge of bitterness in his voice.

"Yeah. That." Jongin swallows hard and hopes he can somehow undo the damage he's done. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't know."

"Didn't know what? What you were agreeing to?" Lu Han crumples the towel between his fingers. "I know you don't have any experience, Jongin, but-"

"It's not that," Jongin interrupts. "I knew. But I didn't know it...would make me feel like that." He sees the walls coming down across Lu Han's face and knows he's said the wrong thing, or maybe implied the wrong thing. He scrabbles around for the first concept that makes sense to him. "It doesn't have anything to do with you!"

"Huh?" Lu Han's jaw drops open in the way Jongin normally finds cute, but he's not laughing this time. "I tried to kiss you and you ran away, and it doesn't have anything to do with me? What's that supposed to mean?"

"But it doesn't!" Jongin says desperately. "It doesn't. I like you!"

It's the truth, though he's not sure what he means by it is the same thing Lu Han means by it - likely not, if Lu Han wants to kiss him. But it's the one thing he has to make Lu Han understand, so he won't walk away again. If everything else he says is going to hurt, there has to be something to soften the blow.

"If you like me," Lu Han says quietly, "then why did you run away?"

"Because I don't like kissing." Jongin's voice is just as hushed, now, as though admitting to not liking kissing were a thousand times more shameful than admitting to a love of dead bodies. It feels like it, the way the world seems to be made up of people kissing, or talking about kissing. First kisses, favourite kisses. He doesn't want them at all.

"Have you even kissed anyone before?"

"Only that time we were filming the drama MV, and you saw how that turned out."

"That was painful to watch," Lu Han says. He's stopped crumpling the towel. "Incredibly painful. It also doesn't count. It was for work, with someone you weren't interested in. That's not a real kiss."

"Then no, I've never kissed anyone, if that doesn't count." 

"So how do you know you won't like it, if it's with someone you like?"

It sounds so reasonable when Lu Han says it straight out like that. Not horrifying at all. Lu Han's looking at him with hope in his eyes, not an accusation, and Jongin's of half a mind to agree to try again. Maybe it'll be better this time. Maybe the disgust won't curdle like sour milk in his belly, and they'll both emerge smiling on the other side, laughing about how ridiculous all of this is.

Except that even as he thinks about it, revulsion has him fighting not to step back, and he knows there's no way he can do this. Not even if it means hurting Lu Han again.

"Because I..." Jongin starts, then falters. Words are flighty, pesky things that won't arrange themselves the way he wants. "It...it doesn't matter who it is. I don't..." He raises one hand to his mouth, running a finger lightly across his lower lip. "Kissing is messy?" That's not exactly what he means, though, so he tries again. "Like...someone else's saliva? It makes me feel kind of...sick."

"Oh." Lu Han touches his own mouth, then stares at his fingers as he pulls them away. "You're worried about germs?"

"Sort of?" That's still not quite accurate, but Lu Han, who is obsessive about not letting people sit on his bed and will actually launder the bedding if anyone dares to put their feet on it, is more likely to understand that as a reason.

"But you share water bottles all the time," Lu Han points out. "How's that any more hygienic?"

"I don't think it's about hygiene, exactly." Maybe Jongin will have more success if he stops trying to explain himself, and states what he wants, instead. Or doesn't want, rather. "I don't know how to say it right. But I don't...I don't want to kiss anyone on the mouth."

"Anyone? So not just me?"

" _Anyone_ ," Jongin repeats, more firmly this time, and Lu Han begins to look a little less like Jongin's just stomped all over his heart with football boots.

"What if I kissed you somewhere that wasn't your mouth?"

"You'd want to?"

"I've already been doing it for months," Lu Han says, "only with the rest of my body."

Every shared hug, every high-five, every half-formed heart on the stage...if Jongin thinks of all the times they've touched as kisses, intimate secrets even in public, it makes him feel closer already. It also makes him wonder just how long Lu Han's felt this way about him, because he can scarcely remember a time before Lu Han's mouth brushing his ear with a translation felt natural.

"Okay," Jongin breathes, giddy with anticipation because he has no idea what Lu Han's going to do, but being touched by Lu Han has never felt _bad_ , merely confusing - until last night, at least. 

The towel ends up on the floor, joining what appears to be one of Joonmyun's jumpers. Jongin takes a halting step forwards. Lu Han waits for him, doesn't move until Jongin's closed the remaining distance between them. One hand starts to rise, making to wrap around Jongin's waist, then drops down again. Lu Han's giving him the chance to run away again rather than holding him close, which only makes Jongin all the more determined to stay.

This time when Lu Han leans forward, he makes it very clear he's not angling for Jongin's lips, tilting his head to the right instead. Jongin holds still, barely breathing in case he accidentally moves enough for their lips to connect. He's not sure he could keep from reacting, in that case. That would definitely cost him any ground he's gained this morning.

Lu Han's lips lightly brush his cheek, a soft prickle of sensation so insubstantial it's practically an air kiss. The knots in Jongin's stomach slowly start to unravel, one strand at a time, now it's over and he doesn't want to claw off his own skin to make the ghost of Lu Han's lips disappear. He doesn't feel _stained_ , or _infected_ , or _contaminated_ \- only warm, flushed from the attention he's being paid. He's not sure if he's supposed to say something so he settles for smiling, willing the relief to be plain on his face.

"I don't think I understand what you're trying to tell me," Lu Han says, smiling back at him with equal relief, "but I'm not sure you understand it completely, either."

"I don't," Jongin has to admit. "I didn't even think I'd have to try to figure any of this stuff out, if I never liked anyone back."

"It's not an exact science." Lu Han curls his fingers loosely around Jongin's wrist. "We can figure it out together."

"But won't it be weird for you? You like kissing, right?"

"I like lots of things, especially when it comes to you." The fingers around Jongin's wrist begin to stroke the skin along his arm; he relishes the sensation, even if it tickles a little. "I can't promise I won't find it weird. I _can_ promise to try, though. I'd rather not do something that's going to make you throw up on me."

"My aim's not that bad, hyung," Jongin says, and they both laugh. "But you wanted one thing from me and I couldn't even give you that-"

Lu Han shushes him with a finger over his lips. "Let me be the judge of what I want, okay? We're not on camera right now. You don't have to do something that makes you uncomfortable just because someone else wants you to. I don't have the right to ask that of you. No one should, in a perfect world, but it doesn't work like that out there."

There's something off about Lu Han's words. Jongin gets the impression he's not even talking about the two of them but something that's nothing to do with Jongin at all. Lu Han's good at keeping his feelings to himself - the true ones, the ones that say things about him as a person that he doesn't want to share with anyone else - and he doesn't talk much about his life before he moved to Korea. Jongin wonders where he learned to hide his secrets behind a smile, and why. When Lu Han wants something he pursues it with dogged determination until he gets it, but not this time. Perhaps he'd rather have _this_ from Jongin, whatever 'this' is, than nothing at all.

What that means for them now, Jongin has no idea.

"The others will probably be home soon," Lu Han says, removing his finger from Jongin's lips. "So we're not going to have much time to ourselves, not for a while. But I want to. I really want to."

Time for what, Jongin's not sure, but finding out takes time too. Maybe Lu Han can tell him what this means for them. What comes next. What they are now, to each other. The thought scares him a little, that after so long carefully avoiding the whole complicated mess of any relationship more involved than friendship, he's taking tentative steps towards something he's not even entirely certain he wants. But at the same time, he knows it's not something he _doesn't_ want, and that has him curious to see where this path will lead him. Lead _them_.

"Me too," he says, and means it.


End file.
